Friday, May 28, 2010

Day 23

Today was not the best day. To recap, for breakfast I had organic peanut butter on wheat toast and coffee, then three slices of thin crust mushroom pizza for lunch. For a snack I had a popsicle, then soy crisps. For dinner, of course, my mom ordered pizza, so I ended up having three more slices of thin crust pizza for dinner, then finally I ended this carb filled day with a huge brownie. Yep, thats a lot of crap. The day started good, then I basically has carbs and fat and sugar. I totally fixated on that stupid brownie. As soon as I was done I thought "you forgot to remember what it feels like to be thin." But it was too late. And the pizza made me nauseous both times I ate it, so I didn't exercise (but I wasn't too nauseous to stuff my face with a brownie?). My older sister is in town visiting and she's very, very fit, so I know tomorrow I'll be doing some exercise. I plan on being fair to my body by exercising with her and then logging in some time at the gym at night. I will also eat a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My sister recommends I keep some boundaries for myself like no eating after 8pm and no carbs after lunch. She also says I need to try to distract myself when I'm fixating by going for a walk. If I sit in front of the TV, I know I'll give in.
I did weigh myself and the scale read 148. I am happy I lost a few. But I'm not sure about this whole weigh-in thing. I'm just worried that this will all become about weight loss and I'll lose my goals of beating food addiction and living a healthier lifestyle. At this point, I have to admit, I want to lose 28 lbs. That's a really big goal, and I'm afraid at some point I'll get frustrated and say screw it and eat like... a whole pizza or a cake or something. If I dread weighing myself should I be doing it? Because any disappointment could be a setback. And look, it's day 23 and I'm still saying things like "I ate six slices of pizza today." Is my 100th post going to read: "I fixated on a pie and ate the whole thing and forgot to exercise and I hope I get better" or am I going to start making actual real changes? The question is: what do I really want?

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