Monday, June 7, 2010

Day 33

Today was a little bit better. I had two "sausage" patties, some pretzels, some elf graham cookies, a sandwich with veggies, cheese, and pesto, an iced latte, leftover general tso's tofu, and a few wontons. And a pomegranate lemonade. So not the worst day I guess. I don't know. I still don't feel that great. I didn't exercise. Again. As I'm getting ready to move I'm out all the time with friends saying goodbye and whatnot so it's inhibiting me from my normal schedule. For instance, today I went from work to dinner, hung out with a friend, then went to see some more friends and didn't get home until 1AM. Right now I guess I'm just trying to keep it together.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Day 32

I did not eat well today. I feel really bad and upset with myself. I don't even remember what I ate. Some bad things were a bowl of Captain Crunch and a bowl of Fruit Loops. And some chocolate chips. I did not exercise. I don't know whats wrong with me. I haven't felt like myself or felt like I have any self control. I need some sleep.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Days 29, 30, and 31

I love Radiohead. Listening to them right now. Anyways, the last few days have been uneventful foodwise. I ate well on Thursday and Friday. My food choices were limited because of the field trip, so I went to bed hungry both nights. Today was not so good, but I decided to let myself cheat today in the hope that this will inspire good behavior for the rest of the week. I am exhausted and have been emotional for a few days, so I'm hoping I'll get back to normal soon. I weighed in a 147. Still so fat. But It's better than gaining weight, right? I neeeeeed to sleep now.

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Day 28

Today I am not feeling so good. I just feel bummed out. Anyways, I ate an apple, some pumpkin seeds, and icy pop, some pretzels, an avocado, some chips, some black beans, a breadstick, some salad, and six portabello ravioli. I did not exercise, but only because I was busy all evening. Ugh. I just feel sad. I'm going to sleep. I have an overnight field trip tomorrow with my 4th graders, so I will not be posting tomorrow night, but I'll make up for it on Friday.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Day 27

I don't wanna talk about it. Today was a bad(ish) day. Sure, I did eat fruits and veggies. But I fixated, overate, and ended the day with sugar. Recap? Peanut butter toast, avocado and hummus sandwich (yum), sunchips, special k crackers, tortilla chips, guacamole, more crackers, hummus, jelly beans, taco salad with avocado, black beans, sour cream, lite cheese, and crumbled tortilla chips, and then an iced soy white mocha AND a slice of lemon pound cake. Because I have not slept enough or eaten well, I got a headache which prevented me from exercise. Ugh. It never ends.
I just realized that yesterday I was a quarter of the way through this project. I most certainly have not lost a quarter of the weight I want to lose. Nor have I made significant lifestyle changes. Well, at least I'll say I'm exercising a few days a week. And eating more fresh produce. And making more effort than ever before to stop my addiction. But this is not enough. I know it, and the scale will tell me this on Thursday.
On the bright side, I am excited about something new. My sister Emily (the fittest of them all) wants me to run a half marathon with her in September. On my 21st birthday, in fact. It costs $110 to register. But I can do it. I know I can. She ran a marathon last year so this is nothing for her. But for me, this will be a challenge. Am I up for it? I can't imagine a better way to spend my 21st! This is way better than getting drunk. Just ask my body. If I decide to do it (I think I will) I will start a training schedule soon. Then I'll have to stay on the schedule. Last year I signed up for a half marathon and ended up quitting because my knee was jacked up. I need new running shoes if I'm gonna do this. But if I say I'll be there with Em I won't back out. She'd kill me anyways. It's the VA beach rock n' roll half marathon. Its all flat and easy and ends on the boardwalk. The beach is me favorite place in the world! I have to do this, right?

Monday, May 31, 2010

Day 26

Happy Memorial Day! I am a quarter of the way through this project! That was fast... Today was a good day. I ate egg whites with two "sausage" patties, then later had black beans and some crackers with hummus, I snacked on a few tortilla chips, then for dinner had salad with avocado and low cal dressing, sauteed spinach, and grilled portabello mushrooms, and a few bites of icecream. Oh and we watched a movie and I enjoyed some homemade popcorn. I wish I had exercised but I had a disasterous night last night, and I was really tired today, plus is was 95 degrees! My sister is waiting for me to turn off the lights so I am doing another short post tonight, but I'll be back with a reflection tomorrow.

Day 25

Today (actually yesterday) was not a good day. I ate a sugary breakfast of half a frappucino and half a piece of banana choco chip coffecake, then snacked on a few bites of pastry and brownie, then ate two "sausage" patties and a spinach caesar salad for lunch, then had 5 chocolate covered strawberries, and then for dinner a salad with veggies and fried tofu with sweet and sour dressing. Oh and then a few cashews later on. Too much sugar! Snacking is not a good idea, I don't have good self-control about it. I didn't exercise either : ( BOO. What a bust of a day.
Last night I had dinner with my good friend rachel and she suggested that we join some of her friends and go for a midnight swim. I love Rachel and I really wanted to go, but I was horrified at the thought of getting into a swimsuit. I went home and put on my bikini from last summer. It looked so much better last year! All I was thinking was I wish I could take back every decision that lead to me being fat like this, because I love being spontaneous and I especially love the water. I'm like a dolphin. I feel far more natural and comfortable in water, especially the ocean, than anywhere else on earth. So when fun opportunities like this arise, I not only want to join in, but I want to feel comfortable and cute in my swimwear. I wore the swimsuit and really tried to convince myself that I looked good, because I know that exhuding confidence is even sexier than being thin. It helps that it was dark outside. But all in all, lesson learned. Maybe next time I want to munch on a brownie or eat icecream, or eat anything in excess, I'll remember how much easier it is to enjoy things in a fit and thin body.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

Day 24

Today actually was not a bad day. I am so so so tired so I'll just recap really quick then off to get some zzz's. I had a pear and toast with PB for breakfast, asparagus for a snack, black beans, peppers, onions, and half an avocado for lunch, salad with black beans and organic low cal dressing for snack, handful of almonds, and then green beans, brown rice, and peppers for dinner. Screw ups: repeatedly indulging in small bites of brownie, and eating about half a scoop of chocolate icecream with caramel and sprinkles. I ran two miles and speed walked two miles. Not the worst day : )

Friday, May 28, 2010

Day 23

Today was not the best day. To recap, for breakfast I had organic peanut butter on wheat toast and coffee, then three slices of thin crust mushroom pizza for lunch. For a snack I had a popsicle, then soy crisps. For dinner, of course, my mom ordered pizza, so I ended up having three more slices of thin crust pizza for dinner, then finally I ended this carb filled day with a huge brownie. Yep, thats a lot of crap. The day started good, then I basically has carbs and fat and sugar. I totally fixated on that stupid brownie. As soon as I was done I thought "you forgot to remember what it feels like to be thin." But it was too late. And the pizza made me nauseous both times I ate it, so I didn't exercise (but I wasn't too nauseous to stuff my face with a brownie?). My older sister is in town visiting and she's very, very fit, so I know tomorrow I'll be doing some exercise. I plan on being fair to my body by exercising with her and then logging in some time at the gym at night. I will also eat a healthy breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My sister recommends I keep some boundaries for myself like no eating after 8pm and no carbs after lunch. She also says I need to try to distract myself when I'm fixating by going for a walk. If I sit in front of the TV, I know I'll give in.
I did weigh myself and the scale read 148. I am happy I lost a few. But I'm not sure about this whole weigh-in thing. I'm just worried that this will all become about weight loss and I'll lose my goals of beating food addiction and living a healthier lifestyle. At this point, I have to admit, I want to lose 28 lbs. That's a really big goal, and I'm afraid at some point I'll get frustrated and say screw it and eat like... a whole pizza or a cake or something. If I dread weighing myself should I be doing it? Because any disappointment could be a setback. And look, it's day 23 and I'm still saying things like "I ate six slices of pizza today." Is my 100th post going to read: "I fixated on a pie and ate the whole thing and forgot to exercise and I hope I get better" or am I going to start making actual real changes? The question is: what do I really want?

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Day 22

Today was better : ) Even though I didn't weigh myself and even though I totally gave in to candy I'd still say it was a good day. First off here's what I ate: tea and oatmeal for breakfast, then a frappucino (oops), then pumpkin seeds and apple sauce for lunch, and a few pretzels, then a small portion of leftover sesame noodles, a few soy crisps, then for dinner stir fry with rice, then snacking all evening on seven mini Reese's PB cups, peppers, asparagus, and mushrooms, and a few almonds. Lots of veggies today!!! But also, lots of sugar. And in general, I just ate so much. Keep in mind that eveything I ate today, I ate in small portions. Except the Reese's. That was a low, low moment. But what helped me stop? Thinking about how happy I used to be when I was thin last summer. It really motivated me and helped me stop. Also, we ran out of Reese's. But I was just about to move 0n to something else, which is typical of a binge.
I start out fixating on one thing, then when I succumb I either A) get frustrated and decide I screwed up so I might as well keep eating more food or B) find myself unsatisfied on my drug of choice and stuff my face until I find something that meets my fixation. So the fact that I stopped because a conscious thought concerning my future occured to me is a big deal. It shows that I really am making progress. Also, later on I didn't want to go to the gym, but once again I thought about thin and happy Hannah, and I went for an hour! I also took a short walk with my sister, though that hardly counts for anything. Good news, I also cooked the asparagus, mushrooms, onions, peppers, and broccoli I recently purchased. Now I can enjoy them at my leisure on salad, in wraps, sandwishes, whatever works best. So I have no excuse not to have healthy, veggie filled days. I can do this, I know I can. Oh, also today I was reading my issue of SHAPE and there was a story of a girl around my age who started out at 149 lbs and ate healthy and exercised her way to 121, almost exactly my goal! She's maintained her weight loss for two years. That sounds exactly like the story I want to have. I know I can do it!

Day 21

I don't want to weight myself tomorrow. Honestly, I don't want to know. Today was ok. I had oatmeal and coffee for breakfast, snacked on pumpkin seeds (too many!!!), then yogurt and apple sauce for lunch, then soy crisps and hummus, pretzel flats, a few bites of quesadilla, sesame peanut noodles for dinner, and two mini Reese's PB cups. It wouldn't have been the worst day if it wasn't for the sesame peanut noodles. I was totally fixating on those, and then I ate way too much. That doesn't even have nutritional content. It's just noodles (carbs) in peanut sauce (fat). Ugh I wish I made better choices. Then I passed out. My body is still recovering, so I fell asleep at like 7 and never woke up until now (3AM). So no exercise. I didn't eat any fresh fruit or vegetables today, though I know I got some nutrients from the pumpkin seeds, apple sauce, soy crisps, and hummus.
I'm not thinking about much today. Just how I feel like I'll never be thin. Unless I take some extreme measures. This project is helping but it's not turning out the way I was hoping...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Day 20

Today was a nice, relaxing day. My mouth is finally starting to feel normal again, though I still can't eat much. I rested for most of the day, but was able to go on a 3.6 mile hike with my sister in the evening, so I finally got to exercise : ) I ate hummus and soy crisps, oatmeal, refried beans, some pumpkin seeds, a sliced avocado, more refried beans, cereal, more hummus and soy crisps, and finally some vanilla soft-serve with caramel and sprinkles. Last time I eat that stuff! It was so good, but my body just felt weighed-down after I ate it. It helped me feel more aware later on when I really wanted some Reese's PB cups and some chocolate chips. I just thought about how the icecream made me feel and I was able to resist. Unfortunately, as you can tell, I ate a lot today. Too much, really. I need to focus on portions and eat more deliberately. Like, for instance, have the hummus and soy crisps as a snack and the avocado and beans as a meal, instead of just munching all day.
So today I was just focusing on asking myself "why are you so obsessed with food?" Because since I haven't been able to physically eat what I want lately, I've been obsessing way more on food. That being said, I've also been able to appreciate what self-control feels like. I'm not sure I know the answer to my question. Of all the things to be obsessed with and addicted to, why food? It can make life so enjoyable and it is so important for my body, and yet I turn it into my enemy, something I agonize over. And my obsession with food has led to an obsession with my body. I constantly pick myself apart and criticize myself because of my weight. I never feel comfortable in my own skin and I'm so self-conscious. I don't want to live life like this. Summer is just about here, and I want to remember this summer as one in which I feel free and enjoy being outdoors and enjoy my body. It should be a positive memory when fall comes. So that's part of my goal.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Day 19

Wow I am so tired right now! I guess it's the medication because I just took some. My mouth hurts so much but I have been so hungry I ate a lot today. Started with oatmeal, had a little bit of macaroni, then some guacamole and some blackbean soup. Later on I had some soy crisps with some hummus, and I finished off the night with some veggie mei fun. Oh and a frappucino (again!) and a raspberry sorbet pop. Not the best day, not the worst day. Man, wisdom teeth removal keeps portions under control. I am still really hungry right now. Unfortunately I did not exercise today. Tomorrow I hope to get back to normal. Last day of rest before I get back to work.
I went grocery shopping today! I got lots of fresh food including peppers, avocado, portobella mushrooms, asparagus, broccoli, romaine lettuce, pears, black beans, rice milk, wheat bread, organic peanut butter, and organic salad dressing. I am going to cut up the peppers and mushrooms and roast them with some olive oil. I am going to steam the broccoli and grill the asparagus. The avocado will go great on some vegetarian sandwiches with hummus and veggies. I am so excited to try to clean up my diet. My vegan friend Rachel came with me. She is a meticulous shopper, reading every label and every ingredient. She knows so much about food and nutrition, she's a great grocery companion. Anyways, I will plan a nice menu for the next few days and do some food prep, and then I should be all set for some healthy eating. I'm really trying to eat foods without preservatives. We'll see how it goes...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Day 18

Today was another sleepy day. I ate oatmeal, mashed potatoes, a small frappucino, a bowl of blackbean soup, some more mashed potatoes, and some pudding. And I'm still hungry now! My jaws really hurt despite the pain meds. I can't wait to go out and have a celebratory quesadilla when I get the ability to chew back. I am going grocery shopping with my vegan friend Rachel tomorrow, so I do plan on really cleaning up my diet into real food, but I gotta celebrate later on this week with a quesadilla. I went for a walk today. It wasn't long, but it still took a lot out of me. My sister and I took her puppy down to the beach and explored. It was fun, and we had nice weather. I'm hoping tomorrow I can get a little more exercise, and I plan on eating healthier (oatmeal, yogurt, apple sauce). No more pudding and mashed potatoes. Not much else to report, I'll check in tomorrow!

Saturday, May 22, 2010

Day 17

Today I just slept all day. My medication from the wisdom teeth removal made me very drowsy and also just high all day. When I was awake I ate some oatmeal, some mashed potatoes, some pudding, and then some more mashed potatoes. I'm really hungry right now. Overall it was just a weird day. Tomorrow will probobly be very similar. Still, I'm hoping to go for a walk if I feel up to it. Wish me luck in my recovery!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Day 16

Today was an okay day. I had a much needed break from the kids, since they went on a field trip. Because I am a para I stayed at school and did busy work. So that was nice. Overall, it wasn't my worst day but it wasn't my healthiest day. I was reading an article that said that people who record the food they eat lose twice as much weight, so I am going to start recording my food here. For breakfast I had a granola bar, snacked on pumpkin seeds, then for lunch 4 slices of thin crust mushroom pizza (it was soooo good), a Reese's PB cup, a Kit Kat bar (really Hannah? Really??), a 16 oz caramel iced latte (Are you kidding me?), a few grilled veggies for dinner, then a small bowl of icecream with whipped cream, sprinkles, and chocolate chips (seriously?) to end the day. So overall it was not a nutricious day, but I didn't binge. And I walked/jogged another four miles, plus went on a leisurely 20 minute walk with my sister. I am so hungry right now but I can't eat anything because of the wisdom teeth removal tomorrow morning.
Right now I am just trying to focus on what it feels like to be thin. This time last year I lost 20 pounds and I just remember feeling so free. I was so comfortabe in my own skin and I enjoyed the summer so much. I lost that weight because my doctor gave me a weightloss drug. Now I want to lose weight naturally. I can't go back to that stuff. It just wasn't natural. I
have to learn to be healthy on my own. So when I want icecream or chocolate or whatever I have to think about that. Food makes me feel good but nothing felt as good as being comfortable in my own body.

Day 15

Sorry to be posting late again. Last night was another night I just konked out. I was gone all day and didn't make it home until almost 9! I can't keep getting so exhausted though, it keeps me from exercise. Yesterday was not a bad day! I ate fruit for breakfast, snacked on pumkin seeds, had veggies with 1oz of ranch for lunch, and a burrito bowl (beans veggies salsa guacamole lettuce) for dinner. A few slip ups include a handful of chips, a handful of white chocolate chips, and a small handful of Nerds. Not bad overall, though I wish I had exercised.
I weighed in at a whopping 151 lbs. So sad that I am right where I started. It just goes to show that I am still addicted, and that I'm not doing something right. So I made a grocery list and a menu for next week, and tonight I'll go and get groceries. Tomorrow I am getting my wisdom teeth extracted, so I won't be eating too much for a few days, but when things get back to normal I can't wait to try and uphold my "real foods" diet. I am trying to cut out processed foods and enjoy what nature gave us. I am going to keep on jogging and hiking, and hopefully add 5 lb weights to my workouts. I am not going to let my weight gain get me down. I can become healthy and meet my goals. I know I can.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Day 14

Two words: emotional eating. Seriously, that's all I have to say about this day. I am very frustrated with myself and feel as though I am making no progress. I was watching a show about people who are addicted to meds and I was like "ugh I sound just like these people except I'm addicted to food instead of pills." Anyways today was just a health FAIL and I am not happy. But at least I ran/walked 4 miles. I also ran two of those miles nonstop, which I am very happy about. I'll check in tomorrow with my weight and a progress report.

Day 13

Well, candy is my kryptonite. Seriously. Today (actually yesterday, this is the next morning) was my first really, really bad day since beginning this project. Even worse than the whole frozen pizza day. Here's why: I used really bad with some, ok A LOT, of candy. It was definitely fixation giving in to action. And it made me emotional. It made me sad to fail. I hate that food has that power over me. I am still as much of an addict as ever. Besides that I ate pretzels, pasta for lunch, a breadstick, bread chips, and more pasta for dinner, just to recap some of the food I ate. So it was also a really carby-starchy day too. I'm just so disappointed. But I will not give in to my disappointment. I will not use it as an excuse to fail again today. Do I have to eat today? Yes. Do I have to eat candy today? Nope. And I won't. Today will be a healthy day. Because yesterday was an epic fail. I didn't make it home until 930, so I didn't exercise either. But I don't feel too bad about that, since it was pretty late to go out and exercise.
So here's what I think today. Candy must be removed from my diet. I usually say all things in moderation, but not this, not for me. It's just not working. Besides that, I said before that I hate food addiction because I'll never stop needing the substance which I abuse. But I don't need candy. I'm just addicted to it, pure and simple. So, no more candy.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Day 12

Today was a weird day. I felt sortof depressed or something for a lot of it. My IRT gave me a bag of chocolates which drove me crazy. I ate six. They were so good. But I felt pretty bad about them. Overall, I did have a healthy(ish) day though. I ate lots of fruit and veggies. I had frozen pizza for dinner (spinach and feta cheese) and didn't eat the whole thing! Since I've eaten a whole one twice in the last month I'm feeling like this is progress. Besides the chocolate, the only other unhealthy food I had was some chocolate mousse. It's finally all gone : ) I walked/ran two miles, but it was mostly running, so I feel good about that.
Today I just had so many negative voices in my head. I was calling myself names and really picking myself apart. This is something I have to work on. I would never let someone talk to me or my sisters the way I talk to myself. From now on, I'll try to replace negative criticisms with positive reinforcements. But it's going to be hard. I'm really stressing about some things. My semester grades are coming in (not my best work), I'm moving in a month, changing jobs, changing states, changing churches, getting braces, getting my wisdom teeth pulled, my mentoring program is coming to an end, and I'm still dealing with emotional fallout from the breakup a few weeks ago. That doesn't even really begin to explain everything. Still, what I want to do is separate my relationship with food from all of these things, so that my healthy lifestyle will be constant no matter what's going on in life. That's just something I'll have to work on...

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Day 11

Hello! I hope everyone had a restful weekend. My Sunday was awesome! I can't believe I fell asleep before I posted last night. After getting up at 6:30 and running around literally all day, I passed out as soon as I got home. Unfortunately I wasn't able to exercise, but really, I didn't have a free minute for it. As far as eating goes, it was not my best day. At all. I ate so much food at the tea. I didn't fixate too much, it just all there right in front of me, so I almost couldn't help myself. Sad story. I ate all that for breakfast/lunch and then wasn't hungry all day until dinner. I went to a friend's for a BBQ and brought my own asparagus and mushrooms to grill. That was delicious and would have been a healthy dinner, if I hadn't had way way too much Fritos (the name says it all) and bean dip. That was bad. The way I ate that was out of control. Lesson learned. And I also had soda and liquor, which adds on more calories. I felt bad about all that, but I'm proud of myself still because I was being really negative towards myself call myself fat and telling myself that I failed and had no control, but then I stopped myself. Calling myself names and being negative doesn't make me any thinner or healthier. It only depresses me which makes me want to eat more. My lesson from yesterday was stop when you're full. If I had done that it could have been a good day.
So, keeping that lesson in mind, today was a really good day, I feel great about it. I ate fruit for breakfast, grilled portabello sandwich with asparagus for lunch, and veggie tacos with guacamole for dinner (no cheese or sour cream). In between I snacked on veggies, almonds, and a little bit of pasta salad (oops). Aside from some chocolate mousse I ate really healthy today, and thoroughly enjoyed it! It's like the decision to eat well almost came naturally, I barely had to fight my desire for chips, dessert, pastries, and other regular ammenities of my diet. And I felt satisfied at every meal too. Today was beautiful so my sister and I went for a 3.6 mile run/hike. We went on this trail that leads to the Chesapeake Bay and we went for a short swim when we got there. It was so much fun, my favorite kind of exercise.
I think this project is really beginning to make a difference. Today I was thinking about allowing myself to enjoy food more. While I enjoyed my tacos at Chipotle, I was thinking "this is so good I don't want to stop eating when it runs out, I want to go buy more!" Way back when (11 days ago) I would have either gotten more or eaten when I got home. Instead I told my sister what I was thinking and how crazy I feel. And she was really sweet and encouraged me to hold out and listen my body tell me I'm full and enjoy what's in front of me. Good advice and I followed it. I hope tomorrow is another good day!

Day 10

Last night I fell asleep as soon as I got home, so tonight I'll do a double post recapping yesterday and today : )

Friday, May 14, 2010

Day 9

Hello everyone! Today was a good day. Well, kind of. I ate two big cookies and three mini muffins this afternoon. So yeah. That wasn't the best. However, I did resist candy all day. We have several bowls of mini candy bars sitting in my IRT classroom left over from an a visitor this week, and I looked at them all day without indulging. I am proud of myself for making such a conscious decision to resist. Too bad it didn't work with the baked goods. Also, my mom and I spent all evening making delicacies for a ladies' tea tomorrow, and I did a good job with that. I only snacked a little, and mostly on veggies. I'm hoping that tomorrow I will only eat the food at the tea if I know it's a conscious choice and I'm not "using." Finally, I am pleased to report that I made my way to the gym today, and burned off the equivalent number of calories from the muffins and cookies. It took and hour and a half (760 calories). I am so happy I finally made good on my promise and followed through. What a good feeling!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Day 8

Today I began my second week of this project : ) I weighed myself and according to the scale I am down a pound. That's certainly not much, but it's a start. I would definitely have lost more if I would just exercise. Still, I didn't exercise AGAIN today. But I will start exercising, I need to. It's simply a matter or health. Otherwise, my day wasn't bad overall. The only slip-up I had was with some candy, which was stress related. I managed to get ahold of myself and stop eating the candy, so that's progress for me. I also had a big dinner of chinese takeout, but it was almost entirely vegetables, with just a little rice.
My reflection so far is that I am already gaining a lot from this project, and that I have a long ways to go. Not only do I have a specific goal weight in mind, I'm seeing that I have some huge hurdles to jump before I'll ever be able to get to this weight in a healthy way. I have got to learn to control my fixations, and eat more slowly. I have to start really thinking about the consequences of putting bad foods in my body, and the beautiful rewards of putting good foods in my body. And I need to make a committment to plan ahead, so I can eat fresh, filling, and healthy meals every day. And I must get into the habit of daily exercise. That is not an option.
That being said, I am already very grateful for what I'm learning about myself and my body. I am holding myslef more accountable and making more conscious decisions than I have in a long time. This project has even encouraged me to learn more about my emotional health, and I'm being more honest with myself than I usually am. My biggest concern is that I'm going to start obsessing about my weight loss as opposed to what this is really supposed to be about: conquering my addiction. So, as I begin this next week, I'm really gonna zero in on exercise and healthy eating. Cheers!

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Day 7

Today was such a long day and I was so grumpy! The kids were just getting on my nerves and my wisdom teeth were killing me. This did not add up to a healthy Hannah. At one point I was sitting on the floor behind my desk eating the frosting off of a doughnut. I also kept sneaking Hershey Hugs whenever I got the chance. As I catch myself fixating during the day, I'm starting to realize that even if I'm fixating on something small (like a breath mint), if I give in to this fixation it's still "using." So if I really obsess over a food then I shouldn't eat it until it can be a very deliberate decison and not the result of obsession. Overall I was just a mess today. I ate two lean cuisne meals for dinner. Why bother if you're going to eat two? And it was just because I was fixating and just thought "screw it, I can't stop obsessing until I get what I really want, so what's the point." I also didn't exercise... There's really no excuse for that as I did nothing all evening after work.
Tomorrow I weigh in and I'll post my weight along with a bit of a reflection about what changes I'm making and how things are going. I have definitely been thinking about the health food post. I mean, forget frosting. Even things I assume are healthy are loaded with all sorts of terrible ingredients that I don't pay attention to. I could definitely become a health nut, I just don't want another obsession on my hands. More tomorrow.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Day 6

Hello everyone! It's late and I have to get up early tomorrow (as per usual) so I'll try and keep this short. Today was a good day overall. I caught myself being very conscientious about my meals on more than one occasion : ) I also took some of what I wrote to heart, and tried to eat a natural breakfast and lunch. Unfortunately, dinner was not nearly as healthy as the rest of the day. And, between lunch and dinner, I found myself hungry and overdid it with the snacks. I'm not sure if it was the addiction or just plain hunger, but I'm finding that being healthy means being prepared, and prepared I am not. I am happy to say that I walked/ran two miles. This is nothing compared to the six I used to run, but I'll get there!
Today I went out and got several Lean Cuisine type meals. As far as being heathy goes, I am not sure if this is the right way to go. Sure, almost all of the meals I got were below 300 calories, not bad for a meal. But I was just talking yesterday about eating foods without preservatives, foods that go bad after a few days, which is more natural. Also, since I am vegetarian (actual vegetarian, as in no fish or seafood), most of the meals are pasta, cheese, or bread-based. This can't add up to healthy, can it? At this time, it's simply a matter of convenience. I work in a school. So unless I'm willing to invest more time and effort into planning my meals, this is the easiest option. So the question I'm facing now is whether or not I'll be willing in the future to invest in my health by putting extra work into it. We'll see what happens when the Lean Cuisine meals run out....?

Monday, May 10, 2010

Day 5

Hello! Today was a long day. I took my last final of the semester : ) I'm so glad that school is over for awhile, it's such a relief. So overall I didn't eat the best today. I didn't clear my plate at every meal, which is progress for me. I went out for breakfast with some of my family, and for the first time in a long time, I wasn't the first one finished eating. I feel like I eat so fast I never enjoy what's on my plate, and that's not a good eating habit. So I will try to continue this project by eating more slowly. Also I was fixating on my dinner during my exam, and I'm happy to say I stopped. But I still had a big dinner and dessert, it was just a more conscientous decision than it would have been if I had continued fixating. Also, I'm sorry to admit I was just plain lazy today and did not exercise.
Today I was thinking about becoming a health nut. I said in yesterday's post that we should put good things in our bodies, because food is our primary source of nourishment. But what does that mean? I eat so so so much food and I have no idea what the ingredients are. I'm a vegetarian, which is a good start to a healthy lifestyle, but I put so much crap in my body otherwise, it's a bit contradictory. Tonight after dinner I had tiramisu. It was delicious then, but now I've got a stomach ache and I feel uncomfortably full, meaning I did not listen to my body or pay attention to what I was doing. In fact, I'd say I gave in to my addiction today because once I decided to have that tiramisu I fixated on it so much, and I don't even remember what it tasted like or how fast I ate it.
My friend Rachel is sortof a health nut. She's vegetarian trying to go vegan. She eats all organic foods and she never buys food without reading the ingredients. If something isn't right, she won't buy it. I admire her. I don't want to be a vegan, but she is so conscientous about what she puts in her body, it's very smart. In the future, I'd like to start eating more foods that go bad after a few days in the fridge, and less foods that could survive a lifetime in my pantry. And really, even if I just went for a walk it'd be better than no exercise... I really need to work on that. Goodnight!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Day 4

Happy Mother's Day! Today was actually a pretty good day. I had a healthy breakfast and even though my lunch wasn't healthy I didn't fixate on it either, which is a great thing for me. I didn't exercise, but that is mostly because I'm quite under the weather right now. I was thinking about food addiction for awhile and I realized something. I feel like food addiction sucks so bad because any other addict can stop using and begin life free of that substance when they are ready. But with food addiction, its not like that. I have to eat food everyday. It's part of life. I can learn how have a healthy relationship with food and work to maintain that relaionship, but I still have to "use" all the time.
So as I continue my project and work towards losing weight and ditching my habits, I need to keep this in mind. Food is a wonderful part of life and should be enjoyed everyday. It should not be part of my problem or the source of any unhappiness. I disgree with the old adage that we should "eat to live, not live to eat." With food, we can enjoy many of the different tastes and textures of the world. We can learn about other cultures and share good times with our family and friends. Yes, we should understand that we need to put healthy foods in our bodies because food is our primary source of nourishment. But if breakfast, lunch, and dinner are some of the happiest times of your day, that's okay too. Why does have to be either/or?
To live a happy life (if you're someone like me who loves food), you have to find the middle ground. But food can't replace friendships or fullfillment in life. It can only make you temporarily happy and it's not a solution to any problem. It's just food, and trying to make it something else is just silly. It takes away from it. That's all for now... cheers!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Day 3

Today was an interesting day. You see, last night I didn't end up going for that walk/run. I ended up talking to an old friend on the phone for quite awhile. But I think our conversation was so productive, it was worth it. He talked to me about how in therapy he is discovering why he has become numb to certain feelings. After listening to him, I started to realize that in some ways, I experience the same thing, which is why I eat emotionally. Food is my friend, my comfort, it's always there, it makes me happy when I'm sad and distracted when I'm lonely. That's how I've become addicted to it. So what I'm trying to do now is always experience my emotions as they come. Today I allowed myself to be sad about some things that have been going on, even though usually I ignore these feelings and put on a happy face.
Overall, it wasn't the worst day. I fixated on some dessert sitting in my kitchen, and eventually gave in and ate it. But I also ate lots of veggies, beans, and salad. I even went for a 3.5 mile hike with my sister and brother-in-law, which I really enjoyed. I want to excercise every day for awhile, because I am moving in a few weeks for a new job, and I will lose my gym membership. Also, as the weather heats up I'm constantly reminded that summer is coming, and I want to feel confident in shorts, and comfortable in a swimsuit. So from now on that is part of my committment to this project. I will go to the gym everyday if possible.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Day 2

Today I thought about my project a lot. It was a somewhat stressful day, as I was facing an evaluation this morning. Fortunately, my evaluation went well. The rest of the day, however, did not. I was fixating on food for most of the day, and snacked on chocolates and cookies all day. The problem is that it's 'teacher and staff appreciation week', and I work in a school. So all week I have been gifted with snacks, candy, cookies, and even a luncheon. I do appreciate these things, but I cannot stop fixating when I know there is food available, and then I become angry with myself, then I eat emotionally, and so the cycle goes.
I told you guys that I was going to make note of what I do to combat my addiction and lose weight everyday. Today is kindof a bust, unfortunately, but I will say that I tried to be conscious of my fixation, even if it didn't stop me from eating. I just have to try to do better tomorrow. When I got home I also ate an ENTIRE frozen pizza, because I had been fixating on dinner all afternoon. I wasn't even hungry when I started that stupid pizza.
I know I have been eating compulsively lately because I have been experiencing a lot of stress in one of my relationships, which was ultimately terminated. But I know myself, and I should act more preventatively, so I'll make sure I'm trying to be more conscious and channel my stress into something healthier. I want a healthy mind and body.
Tonight, I am promising myself that I will walk/run my neighborhood (about 2 miles) twice. And no more food!!!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Day 1

Hi my name is Hannah, and I am addicted to food. Well, sort of. I am sure that I am addicted to some foods. I have a sugar problem, to say the least. But, after years of emotional eating and food fixation, I want to try something new to alleviate my continually increasing appetite for, well, anything and everything. Except meat, as I am a vegetarian.
I really do believe I am addicted to food. I have studied psychology for a few years and have really focused on the psychological science behind eating disorders. I do not believe I have a diagnosable eating disorder. Instead, I would say I have "disordered eating." I feel that many Americans suffer from this type of issue, and it really does not receive a proper amount of attention.
So here is my project, my blog. I am going to spend 100 days blogging about my addiction to food, and the conscious ways in which I will be addressing it. Weighing in at 151 pounds, at a height of 5' 5", I'd say my addiction has caught up with me. So I'll also be checking in the progression of my weight loss and hopefully the continual improvement of my health. I will weigh myself once a week and tell the truth about what the scale says. I will change a few things every week in my diet and exercise routines and post the changes, along with their effects (or lack of effects).
I will be honest, humorous, and hopefully helpful. I may be boring, but I'll do my best to keep things lively. No one talks about food addiction. But it's real, and it's a problem that I have, along with many others. So here I am. A food addict on a mission. Wish me luck.