Day 20

Today was a nice, relaxing day. My mouth is finally starting to feel normal again, though I still can't eat much. I rested for most of the day, but was able to go on a 3.6 mile hike with my sister in the evening, so I finally got to exercise : ) I ate hummus and soy crisps, oatmeal, refried beans, some pumpkin seeds, a sliced avocado, more refried beans, cereal, more hummus and soy crisps, and finally some vanilla soft-serve with caramel and sprinkles. Last time I eat that stuff! It was so good, but my body just felt weighed-down after I ate it. It helped me feel more aware later on when I really wanted some Reese's PB cups and some chocolate chips. I just thought about how the icecream made me feel and I was able to resist. Unfortunately, as you can tell, I ate a lot today. Too much, really. I need to focus on portions and eat more deliberately. Like, for instance, have the hummus and soy crisps as a snack and the avocado and beans as a meal, instead of just munching all day.
So today I was just focusing on asking myself "why are you so obsessed with food?" Because since I haven't been able to physically eat what I want lately, I've been obsessing way more on food. That being said, I've also been able to appreciate what self-control feels like. I'm not sure I know the answer to my question. Of all the things to be obsessed with and addicted to, why food? It can make life so enjoyable and it is so important for my body, and yet I turn it into my enemy, something I agonize over. And my obsession with food has led to an obsession with my body. I constantly pick myself apart and criticize myself because of my weight. I never feel comfortable in my own skin and I'm so self-conscious. I don't want to live life like this. Summer is just about here, and I want to remember this summer as one in which I feel free and enjoy being outdoors and enjoy my body. It should be a positive memory when fall comes. So that's part of my goal.